Dear Ann Landers,

I am your average, everyday child molester.   Please understand that I'm not talking about a guy who hides behind bushes or hangs around schoolyards and playgrounds.  I could be anyone-- your neighbor, your friend, your brother, your father, and even your grandfather.  I am the guy who becomes your friend so I can get close to your child. Ann, the best warning I can give your readers is this: If an adult is spending a lot of time with your child, there is a reason, and it's probably a bad one. Why else would an adult want to take your child to the movies, to the mall, to video arcades, to the swimming pool, to car race's, to amusement parks, or on overnight camping trips?  Be alert to any adult who is giving your child a lot of special attention and is willing to take him or her anywhere. That adult may seem kind and helpful, but there could be a motive behind the kindness. If this is happening to your children, you need to start asking questions.  And be aware that children could lie to you about what's gong on because they are afraid the molester will harm them or they will get into trouble with you, their parents.  When I was molested as a child, I lied to my father when he asked about it because I was afraid he would punish me.  Had I told him, the molestation surly would have stopped, and I would have received help?  Instead, the molesting went on for years.  It destroyed my life and the lives of others because I became a molester and did the same things that were done to me.  I prey mostly on the children of single mothers, who welcome someone who will take their child off their hand for awhile, and they like the father figure I provide The children welcome me because I act like a big kid and take them places they enjoy.   If your child is lonesome, he is the perfect target for a pedophile.  Whoever is reading this, please think about what is going on in your family.  If you are a grandparent, consider your son or daughter's household.  If everyone would just take the time to talk to their children, thousands of kids could be spared the trauma, heartache and pain that a peephole can create.  A molester can also turn the child into a pedophile, too.  A molested kid has a one-in-four chance of becoming a molester.  I know this is true because it happened to me.  Carefully ask your child questions that will get truthful answers, not turnoffs.  Don't put any blame on the child. Show children you care about them.  And remember:  If an adult is going out of his way to spend time with your child, find out why.  Something may be wrong. 

NO NAME, NO CITY

ANN responds, Here is your letter, which is sure to generate some negative response from adult males who fit your description but will deny there is anything unwholesome about their relationship with the children they be friend. And in most cases, these relationships are perfectly innocent.  Denials notwithstanding, you have sounded an alert well worth heeding.  Thank you.  Date of article: June 7, 1999

Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics. The following uses a male gender, but we know abusive people can be male or female.

Excuse Making

Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."

Blaming

The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to be angry at the other person for causing his behavior. For example: "If you would do what I tell you to, I wouldn't have to hit you."

Success Fantasies

The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful in some other terms if only other people weren't holding him back. Their blocking his way makes him feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of building himself up.

Lying

The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.  

Above the Rules

As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody."

Making Fools of Others

The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on his or her good side.

Fragmentation

The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his kids Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.

Minimizing

The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard, you bruise easily," or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."

Vagueness

Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I hit him because he's a bad kid."

Anger

Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately use their anger to control situations and people. For example, "Shut up or I'll break your neck." Anger is a very effective tool abusers use.

Power Plays

The abuser uses various tactics to overcome resistance to his bullying. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.

Playing Victim

Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to strike back at or make fools of others.

Drama and Excitement

Abusive people often have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.

Closed Channel

The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.

Ownership

The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling others behavior, physically hurting them, and taking things that belong to them.

Self-glorification

The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy, adventurer, or pirate.  My mother saw herself as Cinderella, a beautiful princess being misused and underappreciated, when in fact she was fat and not at all pleasant to be around.  When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Psychic/Energy Vampires

They make themselves feel better at our expense.  After talking to them you feel drained and exhausted, almost as if the life was sucked right out of you.  Guess what-  it has!

Trafficking/RA/SRA

These abusers act on greed and financial profit obtained in involvement in the "sex trade."  They also derive pleasure in satisfying their own and the family/group's sexually deviant desires.  A lot of it is about power; their message is "Look at me, I am so powerful I can make you do ANYTHING."  They want to gain prestige, benefits, and power within their group.  They may also benefit by getting a job, positional power, or other wealth within mainstream society by meeting the exploitive demands by those outside or inside their group.  They may also be soothing their guilt by doing it in the sight of approving others, thinking "If they think it's ok, then it's ok."

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