http://www.2multiples.com/twcrew/

http://www.wholeperson-counseling.org/testimonies/mpdtowholeness.html

http://astraeasweb.net/plural/

http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/cornermpd.html

There are many more wonderful sites out there on the web that are easy enough to find.  The best search engine to find them is Google.com, using the keywords "MPD" and "DID".  I would give info on each of the links, but it is easy enough to tell what they are about once clicked on and I simply do not have the patience. :o)

If you are DID and want to add to or read the "manual" written by lots of other DID people, here's the link: http://www.kinhost.org/wiki/Main/ManualTOC

What is living with DID like for me?  Well, knowing that I am DID has made life a whole lot easier and explains so many things, like memory troubles, missing most of my life, feeling "spaced out" frequently, being drawn to kids toys and TV shows and other childish things, doing things with no idea why I did them, and having completely differing thoughts or beliefs on some subjects.  Once everyone started to come out, it was as if my life fell into place.  I can now heal easier when I address each insider's concerns and needs. 

Some therapists damage multiples by not addressing each alter, or recognizing their existence.  They will ignore someone who is not what the therapist considers the "host", and tell them to go away, they will only speak to that host.  Isn't this a lot like the abuse first suffered?  To be shunned and rejected, or to be told that that person is not important.  Those parts that tried to reach out for help and understanding, being hurt again, retreat inside, issues not addressed, no healing done.  The therapist, seeing that they "disappear", claim that client is cured, and send them on their way, and that person continues to carry the pain with them, so deeply buried and hidden for as long as they manage to live.  Surviving isn't thriving.

Another way therapists can do damage is to force integration.  Multiples became multiple to survive.  This system has worked for them their entire lives and usually only a trauma or a stressful point in life brings the alters forward and "out".  Integration should be a naturally occurring thing once an insider has healed, shared memories, and is no longer needed to perform certain functions.  Integration that is forced will not hold.  Therapists commonly believe that healing means integration only.  This is very damaging.  Healing is defined by the survivor ONLY.  Only that survivor will know when they are ready to take a step towards integration.  The therapist may then help the survivor if needed.  In some cases it happens naturally, without direction or guidance.  Many multiples work just fine as a system and have no desire or need to integrate.  Being multiple is not an illness, it's a defense mechanism that helps a person function in a traumatic environment.  It is who a person is made up as, that is why it is called an identity disorder and not a psychosis.  Disorder means things are out of their natural order.  If the natural order is a system of people working together without destructiveness, then nothing is wrong.  At this point I have decided that I reject the idea of forced integration unless it is desired by someone(s) inside.  I will allow anyone to integrate if they want to, but I won't force it.  I have forced an integration before, and it was a bad match and eventually they separated again.  Integration MUST be a natural process.  I've heard time and again about many forced integrations that fell apart at a later stressful time.  I have argued with therapists who wanted to convince me I was terribly ill with a disease and can only heal through integration (and apparently NOT by addressing issues and other therapies one would experience with a non-multiple).  They are very staunch in their preconceived ideas and feel I am very ill indeed to want to heal everyone in the way each needs to be healed!

Some views by multiples of themselves are very negative.  They call their insiders "alters" or "parts," which really depersonalizes them, and is degrading in my system's opinion.  Many views that cause this are outdated, the fault of disbelieving and uneducated individuals in the medical community.  They think they are crazy, which is what they were told, unfortunately.  I have heard people say "someone triggered the DID out of me."  This is an impossibility, as someone who is DID is always DID and never has a moment when they are not DID unless they are integrated correctly.  It is not the dissociation someone is really suffering from, it is the abuse, the reliving of it, the lasting scars that are the real damage.  A DID person does not "regress" to a child, they stay exactly how they are: it is the child within that comes "out" or "front."  There is no change in the adult, it only appears that way because the adult moves back inside, and when the child takes over, the body acts like the child.  Also, many singletons (people who are not multiple, a.k.a. monominds) fear multiplicity because they view it first, as an uncontrolled disorder, and second, fear of the unknown always means fear of possible danger.  It is the multiple's duty to educate those close around them so there is no misunderstanding.  When a suicidal insider is discovered, it is not a person to be feared or hated.  That person is someone who hurts more than the "host" can imagine, and is trying to deal with the pain the only way they can, if no support is there.  Remember, they had to live the life, the abuse, that you the host could not live, so give them the respect due to them, because they saved your life and sanity.  Let them heal and experience the good things in life.

I recently (6-4-05) bought the book Sybil.  It's interesting to note that she had otherkin - a fairy (fae) and a pixie- and two males.  This is typical of multiple systems! I get really ticked when I tell someone I am multiple (which is rarely) and get asked "Like Sybil?"  I will now reply "Are you like Hannibal Lector?  Then why would you think I am like Sybil?"  People think they see a movie LOOSELY based on reality and consider themselves experts. "Oh, I knew someone like that!  You just have to integrate and you'll be fine."  Why, thank you very much for your input!  And to think I've been doing all these years of therapy and all I had to do was ask you. *Dripping with sarcasm*  Also, I never saw a TV show, movie, or documentary about MPD, nor read a book about it, until AFTER I found out about everyone.  I was not influenced by anyone or anything.

People, even especially doctors, consistently fail to realize that I am the expert of my own self, including dx's.  They cannot convince me I am something I am not.  All they are doing is try to make me and my system conform to their idea of MPD/DID, or if they refuse to accept DID, I'm instantly a schizophrenic.  I am the same person walking out of the office that I was walking in, but afterward they expect me to conform to their own diagnosis for me.  Few people realize that the diagnosis of schizophrenia is a catch-all, the official term for general "craziness".  It is any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances.  Schizo-affective means simply, a depressed schizophrenic.  I simply do not fit those dx's, whereas I fit DID, PTSD, and depression to a T.  It's funny, because it's not just doctors who diagnose people, Joe Sixpack does it often as well.

It's a common myth that multiples "became" multiples during therapy, especially through hypnosis.  If one didn't get officially diagnosed by a doctor before saying what that one had, then s/he is making it up for attention.   I found out about all of me and us long before I found a therapist and I have never been hypnotized.  I have never gotten any gain from my "claims" and I never will.  I go to great lengths to keep everyone a secret because I know if it got out, no one would accept me as an intelligent, clear-thinking human being.  I would simply be "crazy" and thereafter to be ignored, pitied, and never taken seriously.  All this because of the ignorance and fear that anyone "crazy" can suddenly attack or do scary things and is of diminished intelligence.  Nonsense.  By the by, my IQ is 131.  No genius, but no idiot, either.

There is another myth that all multiples are geniuses.  That's bull, too.  I've met some reeeeaaaallly dumb multiples.  Multiples, just like people with depression, cancer, PTSD, those who use wheelchairs, are a cross-section of America, just like everyone else.  There's dumb ones, smart ones, mean and bad ones, kind and good ones, just all kinds.  If you ever hear that some group of people are all something, don't believe it.  Generalizations are generally false.

There are fakers, I have met a number of them.  But there are more fakers that fake depression, PTSD, schizophrenia and others, taken singly in each category, than there are faking DID.  I still don't understand what they get out of it; they sure aren't winning any friends.  I think they just like the drama they can stir up.  The only ones that question me are people I meet in real life.  They expect alters to pop out all the time and to generally act totally different from "normal" people.  Again, I don't fit the preconception.  I look and act intelligent, in control of myself and all in all, healthy (except for the cancer, but that's a different story).

Realizing I was dissociative was shocking at first, but as I learned how logical it was, how it really saved my sanity and how enjoyable it was to get to know different "parts of me" and see life through the eyes of a child again sometimes, I decided not to fight it, to feel ashamed, or to hate myself.  Accepting it has brought so much healing in areas of my life that otherwise would have been closed off forever.  It's a choice every multiple is faced with: make yourself suffer and blame everything on it, or go with the flow and be gentle to yourself and those within.  I'd much rather be multiple than have a host of other mental problems as a result of the abuse I suffered.  Refer to my Psychological Effects page.  Remember, it's not the DID you suffer from, it's the trauma.  DID is a coping mechanism that you usually don't need anymore, if you're safe and reading this.

No doubt it is hard for a non-multiple to understand what it feels like to be multiple.  I could not effectively explain what it's like to be multiple any more than a non-multiple could explain what it's like to be non-multiple.  Perhaps the Co-Con page could give a little insight.  That's the best I can do.

Don't call me broken, don't call me shattered.  I'm just me.  I work to separate the conceptions people have of me: the multiple me and the non-multiple front.  If you know me in "real life" and I referred you to this site, it was to help you in some way.  I wonder if your conception of me has changed?  No one would guess I was multiple unless I told them. 

Slight rant here, sort of a rules of etiquitte.  I don't switch uncontrollably, real life isn't like Sybil or any other fictionalized movie or book representation.  Don't tell me you've seen changes in me, that will only tick me off; you've only ever seen the host.  Everything else is called moods, everyone has them.  Don't ask how many "multiples" I have (that's a really asinine and yet common question), it makes me twitch.  If you really want to know, my system map is at the bottom of this page.  Keep in mind that it is not your right to know who is in my system, it is your privilege (I have had such demands, believe it or not).  Do NOT ask me to switch, or ask to talk to someone else unless I've already given you prior permission.  That's just extremely rude.  Do not ask who you're talking to.  If you're talking to me, you're talking to the person you've always talked to.

I don't feel the need to share my story.  I will begrudgingly admit that I've experienced just about every bad experience the world has to offer.  What you are probably most curious about is what made me multiple, and I'd have to say most of the reason was emotional and psychological abuse punctuated by long periods of forced captivity and isolation.  Yes, there was physical and other abuse, but the worst was emotional and psychological- at least, that was what ended up being the most damaging to me.

My route of healing is to find out what happened in those big blank periods in my life, and figure out what was wrong in the times I do remember.  I needed to know that I was not deserving of the abuse, and perhaps why it happened at all.  I needed to know within me that it was wrong.  I needed to know how to stop the legacy of abuse and be sure that I don't repeat what I learned upon anyone else.  I needed to learn to live without fear, or rage.  I need to know what healthy relationships are.  I need to know who I am.  I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, major clinical depression, PTSD, ADHD, DID, an inoperable brain stem tumor, and some neurological trouble from brain surgery, such as balance issues and double vision.  I want to be integrated at some point after lots of working through and healing issues.  I don't set a deadline, though.  I need to know how to recover from PTSD and all that umbrellas under it.  I need to know how to live normally and recover as best I can from my trials.  I was once asked "Don't you want to work and be like the rest of us?"  That person will never know how hurtful that comment is.  All my life I wanted to be like "the rest of us"!

"If your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, But if your mind is hurting they throw bricks." ~ "Come Here" By Richard Berendzen. 

My survival is based on dogged determination and stubbornness, and I am upheld by my faith in God and His promises.

House of Hur System Map