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| System Responsibility and Empowerment
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Empowerment is a lengthy subject.
It entails many aspects of life and perception. I will try to organize
it so it is easy to follow and understand. Of all topics, this may be
the most important when it comes to healing, and for such an important
topic, there is very little on the web or in books to help a multiple.
Even if you do not have MPD/DID, this article will be of use to you. I
will start with the origins of powerlessness, then show the symptoms it
manifests itself in, followed by guidance on how to extract yourself
from things that make you feel powerless, then tackle complete
empowerment.
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The Beginnings
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A child is born into this world like a
brand new supercomputer. It is the parent's responsibility to teach
this child, or "program" this computer. For example: a good parent
will tell the child not to cross the street because she might get hit
by a car and the parent would be devastated. A bad parent will tell
the child not to cross the street or she'll get beaten by the parent.
In the first instance, the child has learned that the street is
dangerous and she shouldn't cross because she is loved. In the second,
she learns that if she crosses the street she is bad, and she should
"obey or pay". She never learns the the street is dangerous because of
the cars, she instead learns the only danger is from the parent.
By
the time these children grow up and move out on their own, they are
full of the programs they were inputted with. The child of healthy
parents will know how to act and interact in the world; the child of
unhealthy parents will have no idea, her programming was only to serve
the parent's needs and desires- her whole life had revolved around
them. Not knowing healthy boundaries, what is healthy and what isn't,
how to take care of herself, and what to do with her life, she will
suffer in relationships, jobs, and physical health.
Alters
are created in times of stress and pain, be it emotional or physical.
Most don't know anything else but the hurt of living with unhealthy
parents or [insert your personal experience here]. Not many are going
to come out smelling like roses and with a cheery disposition. They'll
probably be hard, bitter, angry, or anything else unpleasant. Although
it doesn't seem like it, this is where multiples have the advantage.
You can easily identify what's wrong, and if looking at the insiders
with compassion no matter what, you can see the hurt and dress the
wounds. You can identify what this insider was programmed with and
change it.
Here's
a big program every abused child is taught: what happens in this house,
stays in this house. Don't tell the secret or [insert threat here].
Singletons, a.k.a. Monominds, a.k.a. normal people will have a harder
time trying to convince themselves that they are free, but multiples
have the advantage. It's always easier to help someone else than
yourself. You show compassion to that insider, sympathize, validate
her/him. THEN you can change the programming. Tell them that the
reason the abuser did not want you to tell was because s/he knew s/he
would get in BIG trouble. Public shame and jail time. Loss of job and
family support. So threats would be the incentive to not tell.
Remember the example of the street? The only reason given not to cross
the street was she would get beaten. That's all the abuser knows how
to do, make someone obey by threat of force. Terribly, it's easy to
threaten or hurt a child, being meek, humble, submissive, and smaller.
But you are an adult now. The abuser is older, perhaps elderly, if not
deceased. You have the skills to protect yourself, the know-how. You
can call the police. You have the advantage. You're not small and
helpless any more! The abuser can only see with his/her eyes, s/he
won't see the inner children, just the body. Teaching your insider
these things and him/her accepting them is called deprogramming.
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Threat to a Cohesive System
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But let's say you
have an insider that won't have any of it. S/he's not so much worried
about retribution, s/he wants to BE the retribution no matter how much
you and your therapist work with him/her. It might not even have
anything to do with telling secrets, it can be misery or any number of
things. This person has no regard for your life or social life and is
putting you in danger by going to dangerous places, getting you in
trouble with work or friends, taking drugs or drinking, or having sex
without your consent. On the other hand, there may be no outward signs
of trouble, but people inside your system might be harmed either
physically or emotionally. This insider is a threat to your sanity
and/or safety.
There is really
nothing on the net that talks about system responsibility. System
responsibility means you take care of your own, get organized, and
control your system's actions to a point. When a multiple harms
someone, the entire system is jailed, not just that alter. The entire
system is held responsible. When an alter does an action that is
inappropriate, the system is responsible for cleaning it up, or stop it
from happening at all. You DO NOT hand over responsibility for the action to an insider and claim innocence. The definition for system according to Websters:
System
- 1. a set or arrangement of things so related as to form a whole 2. a
set of facts, rules, etc. arranged to show a plan 3. a method or plan
4. an established, orderly way of doing something 5. the body, or a
number of bodily organs, functioning as a unit.
This is
the way a true system should be acting. Individual units functioning
as a whole. Only when there is no control or order is there what is
called, "DISORDER". I do not want to carry the name Multiple
Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder.
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Self-Discipline: Expanded
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If
you have out-of-control insiders, you've got to take precautions. Have
a buddy system, where an insider that knows nothing about boundaries
and keeping safe is kept with a strong insider, who does understand
those boundaries, at all times. Have someone manning "front", or
consciousness at all times. If it's really bad, create a confinement
room so the dangerous one can't get out and create havoc in the system
or out of it. Remember not to keep them in there for a long time,
because it can backfire on you. They will sit and stew, and plot
revenge and such things if you leave them alone. While all this is
going on, work hard at re-teaching the insiders about healthy behavior.
If
all attempts to salvage this insider have failed, then you have to get
rid of this one somehow. As long as the problem is left untreated, it
will only get worse and more powerful. You can't always integrate this
one, or the bad intentions have an extremely high probability of just
changing address, and now you've got an even bigger problem. On an
upcoming page, I will lay out a list of rules and consequences that
systems can review and adapt to their own needs.
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Taking Control
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Taking control of your life and your
system is empowerment. It is only then that you stop being a victim
and become a survivor. There is nothing you can't do in your mind.
Your system is in your mind. It's your mind, your body, your life:
take control of it! If you don't, someone else will, and the only
people out shopping for other people's lives are predators.
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Support Groups Online: Sinkhole or Oasis?
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Another
part of empowerment is stopping your past from ruling your present.
It's facing things that trigger memories and overcoming them, instead
of hiding from them. You'll be hard pressed to find a "support group"
on the web that doesn't have a rule asking for what are called,
"trigger warnings". That means all possibly b*d words will have
spoilers, words like l*ve (love) m*m, d*d, m*th*r, f*th*r, s*x, ab*se,
r*pe (rape), m*l*st*d (molested), etc. &s. They will also require
that you do this:
TRIGGER WARNING
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*DON'T READ UNLESS YOU ARE IN A GOOD PLACE
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WARNING, TALK OF AB*SE AND F*MILY
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LAST WARNING
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Good
gravy! And following that, every word that has anything to do with
abuse or the actual topic of healing will be spoiled all to heck. It's
usually just saying "I'm having a hard time with this time of year :'(
I need a hug" sort of sappy stuff. Then people will say they
understand it's a bad time of year, take it easy, here's a bunch of
pictures of teddy bears giving hugs. Nothing like taking a huge,
flashing neon and 500-watt light bulb sign, pointing it at something,
and saying "Don't look, for the love of all things holy, DON'T LOOK!"
Now,
think about this. How are you supposed to feel better about something
you endured when all you're doing is asking for reinforcement that
something is indeed horrible, then asking for virtual hugs? How are
you supposed to realize that it is unhealthy to hide from anything that
could possibly in any way remind you that something bad happened?
Honestly, do these people think you forgot? "Hey, House of Hur, this
is Christmas, don't forget, we're here for you when you remember how
everyone in the family opened their presents in front of you and you
got nothing. Here's a picture of a teddy bear hugging a raccoon."
Gee... thanks. I was in one group where, before each and every satanic
holiday, they made a big size 42 font post about the upcoming holiday.
Hey, how could we live without it. Don't get me started with the color
red. A picture someone posted of a kid playing with a red ball started
quite a fiasco. You'd get the strong impression that every once in a
while, all across America, a woman pulls up to an intersection, sees
the red light, then flies out of her car and runs down the
street screaming bloody murder, pulling her hair out in fits of terror.
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Self-Assessment
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Now, what do you really
need? How about not turning stone cold in bed when your partner wants
some intimacy? Or not stiffening up when the leaves change color in
the fall? That sort of thing would actually help in your real life.
Why should anyone waste their time with a "support" group or system
that encourages the avoidance of triggering things, instead of actually
helping to improve your life? Only you know what you really need, if
you are honest and open with yourself.
Self-assessment is a big
step towards empowerment. You are looking to yourself for answers, and
those answers are the right ones! Yes, you are capable of making right
answers. You can ask the help of a therapist to help you organize your
thoughts, but if your therapist tells you what your needs are, run. That's not self-assessment. That's taking orders.
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Blessings of Triggers
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Triggers are wonderful, helpful things.
Just like the pain you feel when you accidentally burn yourself, triggers
are a warning sign that something needs attention. For example, if a
holiday makes you upset, so much so that the very signs of a holiday
upset you, you mind is trying to tell you that your life will not
function normally until you address an issue. If you are feeling
sensations on or in your body that have no physical cause, then you may
be experiencing what is called a "body memory". Triggers, which could
also be called signs, are given by your mind and body that it is time
to address something, that you are READY to deal with it and heal from
it. When I read a story of a person sexually abusing an infant and
felt great personal alarm, that means I was triggered. That means my
mind was saying, "Hey, while we're on the subject, there's something I
need to talk to you about." Literally, that is what
a trigger really means. It may come at inconvenient times, but when
does anything important healing come at pre-scheduled intervals?
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