Sex and the Inner Child
This page, by necessity, needs to be blunt. We can't have a serious, helpful discussion about the topic by dancing around the words and sugarcoating it. So before reading, make sure you are really ready to tackle the issue head-on.
Every single multiple will face this problem at some point. It doesn't matter if as a child you faced sexual abuse
or not, your inner children will come face-to-face with the reality of
adult intimacy.
In cases where sexual abuse was present, there was a child self that was exposed to it and was not equipped with the tools to process and understand the experience. They no doubt would have been taught confusing and harmful lessons about it. Now that you're an adult and have a partner, you will want to have a safe and healthy intimate relation with them. During sex, the child or children that have experienced the sexual abuse will most likely feel "called out" by the act alone, the one(s) that perhaps were created to endure to protect the host or core from the sexual abuse in the first place.
Even if you did not experience sexual abuse, a child may pop out curiously or alarmed at what is going on at a bad time. This can lead to tension or anxiety between the partners and make what should be an experience that draws you closer together into a wedge that drives you farther apart. One or both parties may be too afraid that a kid will come out that sex is no longer possible or enjoyable.
Some systems may enforce celibacy as a rule and not encounter this problem. Some may only engage in masturbation and never be with a partner. Even in the case of masturbation, the host or system may want some rules about what may or may not be done to the body and by who, deciding that sexual acts should be done only by adults. This is up to the individual systems as they weigh their moral and psychological needs.
If you have either had the problem of kids popping out at the wrong times already or want to prepare yourself in case it does happen, here are some steps you can take to solve the problem. If you know of any methods that you have used effectively in the past, please let me know and I will add them. Experiment until you find what works for your system.
Before anything else, talk to all underage kids in your system. You can either write to them in a notebook, meditate and have an inner conversation with everyone in a conference or PA system or whatever way you use for inside communication that works, and/or talk with your therapist about it if that's the only way you can get the message across inside. You will want to tell them firstly that sex between consenting adults is okay, and that any sex with a minor is never okay, and that the minor is always innocent and without fault when/if that happens. Say that when you have sex, only the adult that wanted it (and in some cases it may be multiple adults, make sure this is all arranged and agreed upon first by both parties) may come out, and there is to be no peeking. This sets up the expectations and ground rules. The children who did experience sexual abuse will of course need more professional therapy to help them heal, but this will address the immediate problem.
Sometimes the kids can't help it if they come out. There may be uncontrollable switching or peeking due to sex being a trigger. There's a number of things you can do if that's the case.
Have plushies, toys, and/or pictures in view from where sex happens and tell the kids that if they become aware of what's going on, to look at that and go to their "safe place". They can mentally go and play with the toys or in the worlds within the pictures and thus help remove themselves from awareness of the situation and go back inside. Tell them that the toys are their safe place to escape to, and/or to take the toys inside.
Once a kid is seen or sensed by either party, stop sex until they are safely away. Give some time for the transition. If the man is inserted into the woman, use your judgment or discuss ahead if you are to stay perfectly still inside or withdraw. The movement and sensation may draw even more of the child's attention and focus on the act.
If your partner is the only one aware that a kid has slipped out, have him/her tell the child that they need to go inside now lovingly, gently, and non-threateningly. Be sure there is no irritation in the tone or attitude.
Have your partner talk to them personally before your next sex session and say that they do not mean to call out anyone except the adult and to also escape to the safe place if they do accidentally slip out.
Both you and your partner need to tell the kids that they are safe and this is just how adults like to play, and it's okay between the two adults, but that is grownup time and the kids can have their own special time later. The kids may want special time with your partner as well where they can do age-appropriate activities.
The kids will want to talk about sex. They'll want to talk about their own experiences and try to understand them, especially in this new context. Have an open discussion with the host, the kids, and your partner. This is where you all discuss and reinforce that sex between adults is okay, but sex with kids is never okay, as described earlier.
Have the kids talk to the therapist about this either in person or in writing if they are uncomfortable with talking directly. Make sure the therapist reinforces that kids are innocent victims, no matter what. Majority rules, and the more people that reinforce this concept, the easier it is to believe.
Have a notebook where they can write out their feelings and experiences, and have them write at the top of the page if they want the adults or the therapist to read that page yet or not. They can change their minds later. This can also be a file folder using Word on your computer if you don't want a notebook laying around.
After sex, take a bubble bath or at least a shower to get the scent and residual feeling off your body.
Use bergamot essential oil or body spray. Many survivors use this to ground themselves, and this can be part of your “cleansing” ritual. It has a strong, sharp, cleansing scent. Lavender is relaxing, yes, but sometimes you need to be "woken up" from the previous mentality. The cleansing rituals help the kids to know the sex is over, they are clean, and it is safe to come out.
Air out the room to remove the musk smell, bunring sage or green tea oil to help clear the air. Leftover scents and stickiness will upset kids.
Some kids like to cuddle naked with the partner. They say it makes them feel close and safe. This is ultimately up to the host and partner, but child-adult interaction with that level of intimacy is not a good idea. Children need to know proper boundaries. It helps in the long run for them to know what was right and wrong in the past if they are reinforced in the present.
Buy or check out from the library children's books about sex, such as A Kid's First Book About Sex by Joani Blank and Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole. The kids will be different ages and so you'll need to explain on different levels of understanding.
Before sex, it may help the transition from co-con to private adult time by your kids working together with your partner to clear the room or bed of plushies or toys or other kids items, perhaps to that area you want set up as a “safe place”. This can help their focus pull away from the bed and go into the safe place.
In the case of fetishes, such as dominant and submissive games and especially torture, they will need to know the difference between that and abuse and that the partner is okay with and encouraging it. That behavior is only okay between consenting adults. Even if a kid desires to engage in that behavior for any reason, it is still wrong. Only consenting adults. The partner needs to talk to the kids directly and reassure that this is okay and safe between the two adults and discuss everyone's feelings openly. Make sure they know the safe word so they can use it if they get caught out in the body, and keep the same safe word so it's never forgotten. It is important that the kids feel removed from those activities. It's not hard to relate this fetish to abuse, either by being abused again or being the abuser, so discuss as long as it takes, in as many sessions as it takes, as frequently as it takes, to make sure everyone understands that these things are separate. Make sure your discussions are casual and comfortable, maybe on the floor on a blanket with plushies or any safe, comfortable setting. The cleansing rituals mentioned above will be especially useful after each session. Only when you are “cleansed” will it be safe for the kids to come out again. Have a playlist of songs that ground and calm you afterward. Pray or meditate. Create clear rituals leading up to and after each session that separate that lifestyle with real life.
If “ageplay” or infantilism is part of your or your partner's fetish, the kids may want to participate in the environment they view as safe, nurturing, and/or familiar. As long as there are no sexual overtones, humiliation, or spankings involved, you and your partner may decide to indulge the child for a time. Speak with your therapist about the long-term effects first, because this may make the child unwilling to grow older or integrate later on and thus slow or halt your healing progression. Also beware of getting used to diapers as this could lead to serious and actual incontinence issues with your younger ones that can affect the adult to his or her dismay even when no child is front. Kids may become unwilling or unable to toilet train again when physical diapers are strongly associated with safety and nurturing. It may be best to treat the kids inside you as kids without adding infantile props so they feel loved and accepted in all environments, no matter how they are dressed or appear.
Sexually abused kids will have learned about sex in a horrific way, so reassure them repeatedly that they will never experience that again. Have your partner talk about how they feel about sex, how they view the adult/host, and why they like to have sex with them. Make sure the kids know that your partner is mad for them, and not at them, for the abuse they suffered years ago.
In some cases kids may come out inappropriately just out of curiosity about the opposite sex and how their body works, not just from being triggered. Something that has worked well for other multiples is the partner presenting his or her body as a non-sexual entity. Have your partner ask one of the stronger kids if they would like to see what his/her body looks like naked and ask questions about it, and lay still on the bed or ground rather than stand (which could be intimidating). It's best to do this during daylight hours, since it is more common for sexual abuse to have occurred at night. Explain that this is so they can see clearly what they may have been fearing and ask any questions at all, and there is no such thing as a dumb question. Other kids may want to come out to demystify the human body as well. It's good for them to see that sexual organs can be neutral and non-threatening. The kids may talk about what they experienced angrily or tearfully or act giddy and silly. All this is fine. It is up to you and your partner if you want to allow your kids to touch the organs in a non-sexual and non-stimulating way, such as feeling that a flaccid penis is actually soft. You may want to discuss this with your therapist first, preparing for any eventuality. Touching the organs in a supervised, safe setting is a decision that only you and your partner can ultimately make. If your partner is male, make sure he explains that he can get an erection from other causes, such as from waking up or accidental friction or stimulation, and not just out of sexual excitement. If he gets an erection one day when the kids are out, we don't want them to get the wrong idea or become frightened.
Some kids will still hold negative feelings about sex and have negative comments about the act or experience, and this is okay. Let them vent their feelings about past abuse. Approach your discussions with good humor and infinite patience, leaving yourself open to all topics. You will most likely experience a wide range of reactions, so make sure they have a safe way to express them, be it verbally, in writing, or to the therapist. Leave the bulk of the treatment of sexual abuse to your therapist and not your partner, who may feel overwhelmed and not know the appropriate things to say. They aren't trained in this and are probably fearful of making a mistake or causing more damage.
Print this page out and have your therapist read it
with you. The information I give here is not offered anywhere else and
s/he may not know how to address this issue. Reading this together
(together- so that you are both on the same page about the information
given) will give him/her a jumping-off point as well as greater
understanding of the issue. Please no reprints, just one for yourself
and maybe your therapist and make sure copyright information is
included.
It will take time and practice before kids are able to leave and stay away on their own when you want to have sex. Once everything is out in the open, they won't try to learn about these mysterious things by coming out at the wrong times and will be able to heal more effectively. When you reach this cooperation with yourself, your partner, and your inner children, you will find increased love, closeness and trust between you and your partner. You both will feel more confident to instigate spontaneous lovemaking and find sex much more enjoyable and relaxed.